It’s Not All About Me

Establishing Artificial Time Constraints

Accommodating Nonverbals

Smiling is the number one nonverbal technique you should utilize to look more accommodating.

Adding a slight head tilt shows the other person that you have comfort with them and trust them. Another nonverbal to try and maintain is a slightly lower chin angle.

A slight body angle or blade away from the individual you are engaging will present a much more accommodating nonverbal.

The main objective in all engagements is simple; the person you are engaging must leave the conversation and interaction feeling better for having met you.

An accommodating handshake is one that matches the strength of the other, and also takes more of a palm up angle.

Slower Rate of Speech

When individuals speak slowly and clearly, they tend to sound more credible than those who speak quickly.

Whenever I have a conversation that I believe is important for me to be credible in my content, I purposely slow down the delivery and take pauses for people to absorb the content of what I have just said.

Sympathy or Assistance Theme

vitally important to not give the impression that I have any romantic agenda or purpose to my conversation;

a third-party reference is a topic used to initiate that isn’t too personal about the individual targeted for the discussion. The topic also is not about you.

“Great conversationalists have patience and wait for the right opportunity to capitalize on opportunities that are natural and not ones that are forced.”

Ego Suspension

Suspending your ego is nothing more complex than putting other individuals’ wants, needs, and perceptions of reality ahead of your own.

Thinking clearly, setting objectives, and suspending your ego in furtherance of the set objectives is invaluable in any interpersonal engagement.

Validate Others


Validation is effective because it releases dopamine to the brain’s pleasure centers. This is the same chemical reaction that takes place after drinking an alcoholic beverage, taking risks, or eating a great piece of chocolate.

True validation coupled with ego suspension means that you have no story to offer, that you are there simply to hear theirs.


Validate Thoughts and Opinions

Ask… How? When? Why?

This technique would not have been nearly as effective if I was waiting my turn to interject my own stories. Remember, ego suspension is critical.

minimal encouragers. These are simple head nods or verbal confirmations that you are paying attention and listening,

I wanted him to elaborate without seeming to pushy, I could simply repeat what he just said, “He didn’t have much respect for you?” By restating what he just said but as a question, the individual becomes compelled to elaborate more.

Emotional labeling

A few minutes later I stated openly, “Stressful day, huh?”

Paraphrasing is the next technique that demonstrates to the other person that you are paying attention.

Creating a pause in a conversation can serve two purposes. The first is to create a break in the dialogue so you can think about what you want to say next, rather than continue to go on without thought. The second purpose is to create that slightly awkward silence that hopefully the other person will fill with his or her own content.

summary at the end of the conversation.

Remember though, it is all about them and not you. Suspend your own ego and do not expect reciprocity

Connect With Quid Pro Quo

Quid pro quo refers to the art of giving a little information about yourself to get a little from others.

attempt to converse with someone who is either very introverted, guarded, or both.

second instance is when the person you are conversing with suddenly becomes very aware about how much they have been speaking, and they suddenly feel awkward.

A “third party reference” is where you discuss something not about you or the other person to initiate a conversation.

Gift Giving (Reciprocal Altruism)

gifts come in many forms, from non-material compliments, to tangible material gifts.

the gift of “focus.”

Preemptive gift giving is great at facilitating future engagements.

The key to being a successful gift giver is to manage your expectations and keep the focus on them.

Manage Expectations

The individuals in life that are able to either mask their agenda or shift the agenda to something altruistic will have great success at building rapport.

manage our expectations, we reduce potential disappointment.